EXPECTING
Rebecca Walker

“…On the way up to this mice-infested paradise, S. and I got into an argument. We were walking into Saul’s, the local Jewish deli, and S. said he didn’t feel comfortable because there aren’t ever any other black patrons at Saul’s and the pictures on the walls remind him of Zionism and all of the horrible things being done to Palestinians in his name. Because I’ve got a little Jewish in my African-American, or a little African-American in my Jewish, depending on the day, I know what he means. But I feel very at home at Saul’s, and I feel this crazy, irrational, out-of-control desire to protect Jews and Judaism from people’s negative perceptions, whether they have some basis or not.

I launched into a tirade about how the Israeli government is as far from many of the Israeli people as the Bush government is from many Americans. I pointed out the long, liberal tradition of American Jews. I made analogies to the knee-jerk assumptions people make about African-Americans. S. tried to get a word in and have a conversation rather than a debate, but I had already hoisted my ivy-league machine gun mind onto my shoulder and begun the assault. After a few rounds, my voice was tight and accusatory. S. withdrew from the conversation completely.

Taking a breath, I had a flash of the baby and how arguments like these would frighten him, if they didn’t already. I thought about something S. and I have talked a lot about: ceasing arguing in our relationship forever, and prioritizing peace between us over whatever issue our intellects have gotten hooked on. I never want ideology or “being right” to take precedence over loving one another and being a family. There’s just too much to lose, S. for starters. My baby’s mental health is another important something that comes to mind. He’ll never be able to handle being a second generation black, white, and Jewish Buddhist if his parents can’t keep it together.

I think that underneath my defensiveness is guilt. I feel guilty about what is happening in the occupied territories. I feel guilty that so many Jews have been able to assimilate and become successful while so many from other marginalized populations have not. I feel guilty that I can sit in a restaurant and feel comfortable while at the same time, someone I love feels awkward and unwelcome…”

Rebecca Walker is the author of the award-winning, international bestseller Black, White and Jewish: Autobiography of a Shifting Self and the editor of two groundbreaking anthologies, What Makes a Man: 22 Writers Imagine The Future and To Be Real: Telling the Truth and Changing the Face of Feminism. She has published in Salon, Interview, Vibe, Essence, Harper's, SPIN, Glamour, and Buddhadharma, and her work is widely anthologized. Rebecca is at work on a second memoir and a third anthology, and divides her time between New York City and Northern California.